Motorcycle Forums » Biker/Motorcycle Humor & Jokes

Application for permission to date my daughter

  • May 4, 2010 3:14 AM PDT
    APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER 

    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, 
    job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. 


    NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

    HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________ 

    SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

    BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

    HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______ 

    Do you have parents?                     ___Yes  ___No
    Is one male and the other female?  ___Yes  ___No
    If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
        _____________________________________________________________________ 

    Number of years they have been married ______________________________

    If less than your age, explain
         ____________________________________________ ________________________

         ____________________________________________________________________ 


    ACCESSORIES SECTION:

    A. Do you own or have access to a van?              __Yes  __No

    B. A truck with oversized tires?                             __Yes  __No

    C. A waterbed?                                                     __Yes  __No 

    D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?                __Yes  __No

    E. A tattoo?                                                            __Yes  __No

    F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,                       __Yes  __No 
     pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? 


    (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
    AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.) 



    ESSAY SECTION: 

    In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? 

         ______________________________________________________________

         ______________________________________________________________

    In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

         __________________________________________________________ ____

         ______________________________________________________________ 

    In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

         ______________________________________________________________ 

         ______________________________________________________________


    REFERENCES SECTION:

    Church you attend ___________________________________________________ 

    How often you attend ________________________________________________

    When would be the best time to interview your:

         father? _____________

         mother? _____________

         pastor? _____________ 


    SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 

    Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
    are confidential.

    A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: 

         ______________________________________________________________

    B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

         ______________________________________________________________ 

    C: A woman's place is in the:

         ______________________________________________________________

    D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

         ______________________________________________________________ 

    E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

         ______________________________________________________________

         ______________________________________________________________ 

    F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

         _________________________________ _____________________________

    F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ 


    I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
    THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
    NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE 
    WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND 
    HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


    _________________________________________________________ 
    Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


    _______________________________      ________________________________
    Mother's Signature                                              Father's Signature 

    _______________________________      ________________________________ 
    Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                                           State Representative/Congressman


    Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. 
    Please allow four to six years for processing.

    You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). 
    If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) 


    To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating

    Daddy's Rules for Dating 
    Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

    Rule One:
      If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. 

    Rule Two:
      You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.. 

    Rule Three:
      I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

    Rule Four:
      I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

    Rule Five:
      It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' 

    Rule Six:
      I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

    Rule Seven:
      As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

    Rule Eight:
      The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing  or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. 

    Rule Nine:
      Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
     
    • 2072 posts
    May 4, 2010 3:21 AM PDT
    Wish I would have had this a few years ago !!!!!!
  • May 4, 2010 3:41 AM PDT
    Well she's only two now.. but I'm getting a jump on things...I'm also share this with my son so that he understands that there are others like me out there.. better to know the rules now!
    • 467 posts
    May 4, 2010 3:46 AM PDT
    I swear you got this from my father!
  • May 4, 2010 3:50 AM PDT
    The 1st time we took my step-daughter out with her boyfriend, my ex and his son talked about guns and hunting the entire time we were riding in the car. Poor kid, he was probably scared sh-tless the whole time. We had a good laugh at his expense.

    I raised a son on my own and after having a step-daughter in my life, (who I love dearly and continue to have a good relationship with, even though her father is a dick) I was glad not to have had girls to worry about.
    • 5417 posts
    May 4, 2010 4:02 AM PDT
    Tex1521 wrote...
    Well she's only two now.. but I'm getting a jump on things...I'm also share this with my son so that he understands that there are others like me out there.. better to know the rules now!


    She may only be two now, but trust me you're going to go to sleep one night and wake up and she'll be a young lady, and there will be guys knocking at the door!!!  You will swear it was just last week when she was two.

    • 5417 posts
    May 4, 2010 4:05 AM PDT
    Tex1521 wrote...
    Rule Three:
      I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

    I really like this one.  My daughter grew up before this became "fashionable", but I will be using it on my step son the next time he comes in the house with his underwhere hanging out!
  • May 4, 2010 4:19 AM PDT
    Now this is GREAT!!!!!! I wish I had thought of this - It is being copied and sent to my wife and daughter..... Then it will be issued to the next boy coming within 3 miles of my daghter :)
    • 1042 posts
    May 4, 2010 4:30 AM PDT
    My littlest one tried that crap one day with his trousers hanging down damn near to his knees. We were in wally world when he and his brother walked down another aisle. When the came back, little turd head was pimpin like a penguin. I said, "Boy, get your ass over here", "What the hell is wrong with you son?" He didn't say a word but big brother knew and he was laughing his ass off. I grabbed little man's trousers at the waist and commenced to yank upward as hard as I could. The poor little turd shot like a rocket straight up with the waist of his pants up around his neck looking like Pee Wee Herman. When I put him down he began bending over moaning as I asked him what was wrong? With a high squeaky voice he replied, "Pop, you broke my nuts."
    Problem solved...
    • Moderator
    • 18058 posts
    May 4, 2010 6:17 AM PDT
    There is a certain ex-boyfriend of one of my daughters who might have benefited if I had this. I swear he is on my "Baseball Bat Bucket List."
  • May 4, 2010 6:20 AM PDT
    AMEN to that approach... As a cub scout leader we have had to address this with the boys. While I'm not allowed to touch the boy to correct the problem. I teamed up with our resident raccoon in camp. The boys with their pants around their thigh found it really hard to run away.

    Problem solved!!!!
    • 2072 posts
    May 4, 2010 6:53 AM PDT
    Tex1521 wrote...
    AMEN to that approach... As a cub scout leader we have had to address this with the boys. While I'm not allowed to touch the boy to correct the problem. I teamed up with our resident raccoon in camp. The boys with their pants around their thigh found it really hard to run away.

    Problem solved!!!!



  • May 4, 2010 7:48 AM PDT
    I pittied my buddy Parris for the longest time. He's got two of the prettiest daughters ya ever seen and they're both now in their late teens and early twenties. I went over to his house for coffee one morning and as I walked thru the front door, I noticed what he called the "dating chair" sitting in a corner with an OLD double barrelled shotgun sitting beside it. He stated it causes the young "Gentlemen" to conduct themselves properly and bring his daughters home on time! Knowing Parris, it's probably loaded with Rocksalt and Baconrind... OUCH!!!
    • 352 posts
    May 4, 2010 8:14 AM PDT
    lol - I love this. I don't have a daughter (had 3 younger sisters and I got to play door man to a few).

    My next door neighbor has a teen daughter just graduating HS now - she is a complete knockout...if she were my daughter I would be out of ammo by now.
  • May 4, 2010 8:42 AM PDT
    I have three girls and a boy. Girls are 3, 5 and 17. I am doomed to a life of anxiety. However, I am fully prepared and just enough of a rotten, crotchety bastard with severe issues in regards to playing well with others (just ask my wife) to not really worry about the jail time I'll get when I dispense the appropriate measure of accountability. I just need them to get to 18yrs old so it will be considered an honorable confrontation. When I met the current boyfriend, he left the house in a slight sweat, with a little quiver in his upper lip when addressing me. But, he looked me in the eye and said yes sir at the correct intervals and shook my hand correctly enough to be able to hang around. It could have been more fun, but I showed restraint and, as I told my wife when she asked in front of him and their friends, "I didn't even call him a p#ssy" But I'm still doomed......
  • May 4, 2010 9:29 AM PDT
    So, how did all of you guys handle the Dad's you had to meet, back in the day? I'll bet there are some good stories there, IF your willing to tell them!
    • 2072 posts
    May 4, 2010 9:32 AM PDT
    I was a saint !!!!!!
  • May 4, 2010 9:37 AM PDT
    BlvdCruiser wrote...
    I was a saint !!!!!!
     

    As were all the guys I dated back in that era!!!
    LoL    
  • May 4, 2010 9:44 AM PDT
    We were 5 years old when we met. I was just one of the Kids in a small town that played together in a group of good friends. My now father-in-law was school board president and handed me my diploma. We never dated until we were 57 and married 2 months later. I was the Good Guy by that time when home town is 900 miles away from TEXAS. I was still just one of the Kids..
  • May 4, 2010 9:44 AM PDT
    I was a horrible little horndog. I snuck into houses and spent the night. Waking up well before anyone else and walking blocks down the road to my dad's car that I had snuck out from the driveway as well. IEven snuck into other girls houses when my girl spent the night with them. if I sensed my daughter was dating someone like who I was......it would end badly......
  • May 4, 2010 10:09 AM PDT
    Hell, if you have to take the time to go through all of that shit, you might as well shoot yourself in the head now. Have 3 grown girls. Told all the boys the same thing."you treat em like they were your mama and if you pull in the driveway and honk the horn, I'll jerk your little ass through the f'ing vent window. DO I MAKE MYSELF CRYSTAL CLEAR?"
    • 2072 posts
    May 4, 2010 10:22 AM PDT
    I always told my Daughter..... Honking horn or getting in past curfew were both good reasons to start cleaning my shotgun...... Guess she believed me !!!!!
    • 602 posts
    May 4, 2010 10:47 AM PDT
    My daughter is 24 now so most of my worries are gone.... but I'll never forget her first date...worried as fck I was....until she came home early, and her date ended up in A+E with broken teeth, I never asked what happened, but I was a lot more confident after.( she did have a black belt in karate) but i always thought that was just for dancing not defence !!!
    • 352 posts
    May 4, 2010 1:10 PM PDT
    BlvdCruiser wrote...
    I was a saint !!!!!!
     

    I had the parents thinking I was a saint
  • May 4, 2010 1:27 PM PDT
    TheBullDog wrote...
    BlvdCruiser wrote...
    I was a saint !!!!!!
     

    I had the parents thinking I was a saint
    Your intentions were of such but was it productive.