Motorcycle Forums » Biker/Motorcycle Humor & Jokes

Just For

    • 7 posts
    March 4, 2012 5:53 AM PST
    Dang...that stuff's funny. Thanks :)

    Ride Free
  • March 4, 2012 6:54 AM PST
    You are very welcome.....
    This is the fun stuff I like...

  • March 4, 2012 6:57 AM PST
  • March 4, 2012 7:00 AM PST
    Hey, I can see your house from here!!!

  • March 4, 2012 7:11 PM PST
    I Asked At A Gas Station For $5 Of Gas.....

    The Clerk Just Farted And Gave Me A Receipt!!!

    Hey America, Think yourself lucky enough when I tell you that .....
    at the current exchange rate and at the current prices we are paying
    approx $11.40 a Gallon here in England for 95, and $12.02 for 97 octane.....
    • 658 posts
    March 4, 2012 7:37 PM PST
    Borther I know we are!
  • March 5, 2012 2:52 AM PST

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  • March 5, 2012 9:35 AM PST
    Jetman wrote...
    omg! this is too funny!!!!!
  • March 5, 2012 11:33 AM PST
    Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
    -A. Whitney Brown

    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
    - Stephen Wright

    When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
    - Stephen Wright.

    Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
    --Sue Murphy

    I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
    -Bruce Baum

    You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
    - Ellen DeGeners.

    The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

    - Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

    Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
    - Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

    I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
    - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

    Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
    - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    You can observe a lot by just watching.
    - Yogi Berra

    The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
    - Walter Bagehot

    Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
    - Yogi Berra

    He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
    - Robert Gronock.

    Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
    - Frank

    Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

    Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
    - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

    Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
    (Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

    I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
    - Elayne Boosler
  • March 5, 2012 4:55 PM PST
    • 823 posts
    March 6, 2012 2:13 PM PST
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  • March 9, 2012 11:51 PM PST
  • March 10, 2012 8:54 PM PST
    A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

    He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

    'Pick me up.'

    He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

    again,'Pick me up.'

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
    Pick me up, then kiss me;
    and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because

    I will be your bride!'

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked

    it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

    The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'

    I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

    'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

  • March 11, 2012 11:19 AM PDT
  • March 11, 2012 12:34 PM PDT
    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
    'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
    ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
    The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
  • March 13, 2012 5:26 AM PDT
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  • March 13, 2012 8:15 AM PDT
    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"

    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
    "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German):
    "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"

    "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    Continental 635:
    "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:
    "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
    """" I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

    206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

    While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
    US Air crew, screaming:
    "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
    "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
    "Wasn't I married to you at one time?"
  • March 13, 2012 10:22 AM PDT
    Jetman, God Bless you and the power of laughter, made my day.