Motorcycle Forums » Off Topic

    • 568 posts
    July 8, 2010 12:42 PM PDT
     hi folks,

    i've been putting out writing this, because most likely it will turn into a whingeing sort of rant. ye have been warned...

    now, some of ye may already know that i'm slowly recovering from a bad leg injury, following a bike crash nearly 1 year ago (last august).

    i try ta be 'patient', but i'm slowly losing it, ie. i'm going insane - well, i was already slightly insane, but this time i feel i'm tipping over.

    i miss my life, i want it back, most of all i miss to ride my bike...

    my left leg is in an Ilizarov frame - rings, pins and plates - i'm on crutches for what seems like forever now, and there seem ta be no end to this crippleness. luckily i drive a car (automatic) that affords me some mobility, therefor necessary as i live in the middle of nowhere, but other than that i hate it.

    after 3 operations ta install pins and plates that now seem ta belong ta a distant past, i had 2 bone grafts inserted 3 weeks ago: the grafting material is semi-synthetic / artificial, ie. some is inert calcium / ceramic stuff, and some is lab grown bone protein of sorts. 

    this sounds like progress to aid my very slow healing, and progress is good, right?! wrong!!!

    10 days ago i started oozing from 1 of the stitches sites, soon after went ta hospital and discovered that i got an infection, was interned with a double drip of antibiotics every 6 hours 'til the infection is killed. 1 week later no sign of getting better, and no end of this internment in sight, plus the big shot doctor that is my consultant is gone AWOL and i haven't seen him in 6 days.

    following the grafting i have resumed the Oxycontin (hillbilly heroin) medication that i had dropped in February (after 6 consecutive months of it) but - bar this fu%*ing infection - i should be outta it by now, and resuming physiotherapy and putting weight on the heavily framed leg with 1 crutch's aid - im hopping along on 2 crutches (again) instead!

    the staff in hospital is mostly sympathetic, but mostly in a patronizing, "poor you" sort of way, which i've come ta loathe given the ineffectiveness of treatment or even some serious feedback on my (lack of) progress.

    note that i'm on public health, having just finished a university degree before the accident on state grant money, and i can't afford the pot ta piss in...

    just before this last turn of events (infection => internment), in the relative calm of my country home, i had written the following as a journal starter:

    i am totally worn out with this crippled existence, sun is shining and i miss the open road, wind in the face, communion with life and the machine... i want to scream, i’m not happy with my lot but i have to make doing... be patient they say... it’s easy for them; it is me that have to sit and watch the world go by and wait, wait for my life as i know it to resume its full flight while around me everything and everyone else is moving on....
    i miss the ‘healing of the open road’...

    now i'm even worse off than that!

    i know all the motions, that i have te hang in there, that i was lucky not to lose the leg, that from here it will only get better, but my patience is growing thinner than the cigarette papers i use for rolling my tobacco and smoke it out the windows of this purgatory.... i want my life back or i gonna go insane. i NEED my life back or i gonna die.

    but most of all i WANT my face and knees in the breeze, rubber down and shiny side up and the thump of the engine and the smells and sights of the open road to be filling my senses again. 

    if ye are still reading this i thank ye friends, brothers and sisters... the meds and denial may have held me back from exposing this earlier, and i already feel a bit better fer letting it rip - out there.

    broken ezzy 'bones'

  • July 8, 2010 12:57 PM PDT
    Oh Ezzy, I have no words of wisdom for you. Only that you have to heal or you will not be able to do what you so desire. I hate all those platatudes,,,give time time, one day at a time, etc. But, they have saved me from myself at times when I was at my worst and feeling despair that was deeper than I ever thought I could feel. One of those sayings that saved my ass was "move a muscle, change a thought" I know its hard for you to move right now, but at least you can get in the car and go if you want to. And, your sharing how you feel with people who truely care about how you feel. Hang in there, I know it seems like it is never going to end, but it will and you will have your face in the wind again.
    • 2072 posts
    July 8, 2010 1:15 PM PDT
    Ezzy..... Like sidetrack, I too have no magic words of wisdom to make all the suffering go away. Like you however, I have been taken off my bike a couple of times in the past two years due to shoulder surgeries (with a third one a strong possibility very soon). I know what it's like to see the sun shining, birds singing and the open road calling and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I won't give you all the "It will get better" crap 'cause I know you have heard it all before. I will however, tell you this...... When ya need to vent, scream, bitch, yell or whatever, your Cyclefish family is here for you.
    • 1781 posts
    July 8, 2010 1:42 PM PDT
    Ezzy man I got to tell you I feel like a cheap whore in church, after bitching about crashing Extreme's bike and some road rash to deal with after reading your story, and I would be as full of shit as a Christmas turky if I told you I know how you feel. Because I don't plain and simple. I just had lunch today with a great friend of mine (the person that painted the Dragon) that told me about his triple by-pass operation he had while I was at the Meet & Greet. He tried to call me while I was there just to tell me in case he died he wanted me to know how close of a friend I was to him, but I didn't get his message. Man I'm not going to go off on you about God and how we all fit into his plan, but I do believe we all have a purpose in this life, and we don't always know what the hell it is at the time. I know right now you are thinking what kind of shitty deal did I get here with the messed up leg, and I would think the same thing.
    I swear dude if I could have something taken from me in exchange for you feeling better, and getting back on the bike with all my heart I mean it I would. Just remember there is a hell of a lot of power in friends and payer. Dude tonight I will have a heart to heart to the most powerful friend of all.
    Stay cool and bitch to us anytime you feel like it, my Brother, my Friend
    Night Dragon
    • 904 posts
    July 8, 2010 2:15 PM PDT
    ezzy you are going to have your life back. Don't stop believing in that truth, don't stop fighting for what you deserve. When you get there, and you will get there, you will have the pride of your brothers and sisters here on CF. Until that day you have our love and our shoulders to cry on if you need. Never hold back we will take what burdens you have to bear and we will give you whatever support you need. You are a good friend and you know any one of us here would sacrifice a part of ourselves to ease your pain. My hope for you is that your troubled thoughts will fade as your leg mends and that there is no further delay in the healing process. Much love to you brother. ~buffy
    • 413 posts
    July 8, 2010 3:23 PM PDT
    Damn Brother; this all sucks bigtime. Like everyone else there are no words on uplifting I can think of to tell you that I think would work; If there were I would be telling em to ya Bro. I sat here thinking about, "I WANT MY LIFE BACK" and what does it really mean? Considering what yer going through who really knows if yer life will ever be what it was; we do know you still have yer life and you along with yer doctors and other means of divine intervention, along with yer friends, are going to determine how it unveils from here. Brother, look deep into yer soul and find the strength you have inside, search the energy of the universe to survive, and rely on yer friends to lift you up when yer down so you will aspire to live the life to the fullest that has been dealt you. Again Bro; no words of wisdom but rather, plain and simply...DON"T GIVE UP MY BROTHER!
    • 352 posts
    July 8, 2010 3:57 PM PDT

    hang in there it will eventually get better - I broke my neck in 2 places (c5), cracked it through and chipped the front off of the c5 in an accident a while back.

    I spent a full year out of commission, the first 3 months I don't think I even knew my name with the drugs thay had me on, after the hardware came off around 8 months, I went to the soft collar for another 6 months, PT followed. All that and I ended up with 60% loss of hearing in 1 ear and 30% loss in the other from nerve damage then had surgery to rebuild 1 ear...

    Not fun, but at least I am able to talk about it - could have been alot worse.

    It's frustrating as hell right now for you, I can definately relate...but it will get better.

  • July 8, 2010 5:17 PM PDT
    Ezzy, gotta hang in. WE are here and good thing to put it out there so you can know how many are thinking about you and your progressive recovery. You had a bad injury. I am so sorry that times are tough for you, but ya will get through. My ride is my therapy. It keeps me sane. I can understand the empty, trappped feeling, but memory recall is a beautiful thing sometimes. Remember the ride and know you will get it back. You will Ezzy. EZ on the OXYs. ;)
  • g
    July 8, 2010 6:58 PM PDT
    bad shit bro ,chin up ,hope things get better for u dude ,
  • July 8, 2010 8:44 PM PDT

    I’ve been down a similar road. When I broke my leg and had a plate put in it, it put me down for nearly a year. Along with that it took from me the thing I loved most and that was being a rescue swimmer in the Navy. It wasn’t just a job for me, it defined me. It was what I was, as a man, a patriot, my full being. I got hooked on the meds for a bit and then on alcohol for many years after because I knew nothing else but who I was before it broke and broke me.

    I have quoted Friedrich Nietzsche many times and his statement ‘when you look into an abyss, the abyss looks into you’. And he was staring into that abyss most of his life as he was tormented by severe depression and poor mental health and all that goes with it until it took his life. When I lost my identity and was forced to look into that abyss, day in and day out, wishing I could be as I was before, I waxed and waned feverishly on the edge of insanity and alcoholism until I came to the terms that I was never to be that person again. No matter what I did, I wouldn’t get that back and so I had to make a decision. Wallow in the mental gnashing of teeth every torturous day, or release myself from the expectations of what I thought my future would be and decide how I would take all I had learned and infuse that into my new future. You’re never going to get that same self back again. Even if your leg heals perfectly and you get full use of it, you will have been changed by the journey you are in the throws of at this very moment in your life. So when you come out the other side, leg or no leg, you will have to decide what will define you from this point on. That needs to begin now. Let it go my Brother. It’s gone and you’re only holding on to something’s memory. The you from before the impact. You have fulfilled some of your signature line about arriving at the grave thoroughly used up, but there is much more to do. You’re job now is to find that starting point of new to begin wearing out the next aspect of your earthly self that is here to do something more.

    At our meet and greet I met a man I have great respect for as a person and as a fighter. You know him as Hollywood on here. He lost his leg to a motorcycle accident. However, after standing and letting that abyss penetrate his soul to the point of what I’m sure was hell on earth. On any given day, you can watch him twist his Titanium prosthesis up like a pretzel, throw it over the seat of his bike, and mount that damn thing like that is how it is supposed to be done and we are all doing it wrong.

    You will get there, but only if you decide to take yourself there. And you accept that the new “there” is not what you had. It can start the moment you open your eyes for your next day on this planet, if your looking ahead to where it’s at; your future.
    • 126 posts
    July 8, 2010 11:54 PM PDT
    I'm sorry you are missing the riding season. I hope and pray you get better soon. I'll not bitch about my pissy little problems after reading your story. I hope you get to feeling better. Keep your head up. Take care.
    • Moderator
    • 17271 posts
    July 9, 2010 12:11 AM PDT

    Ezzy I do have some words of encouragement in this true story to tell you.

    In 1979 I was in the hospital for breathing difficulties. A few days and lot of testing later I was told I had a rare cancer of the larynx (not from smoking), essentially the tumor was choking me from the inside. The only thing they could do was remove my larynx and part of my esophagus. To say the least I was depressed like you are and asking, “why me?? what did I do to deserve this?” Etc.. I had a real pity party. Fortunately it was a beautiful spring day and I was looking out the window of my room feeling that my life of 32 years was now over. I spotted some children playing with a dog on the lawn outside. Throwing a Frisbee to the dog while they were laughing and running around. The dog barked and jumped to catch that toy. I noticed that Fido had a strange gait to his run and his jumps were a little wierd. It turned out that he only had three legs but damn he didn't let that stop him from enjoying the play and being just what he was, a dog! Ever since then I vowed to not let life's curves hold me back and fight to the end. I opted to have the surgery (survival was estimated at 50/50) and went through a painful recovery. Soon I relearned how to speak and even spoke well enough to become a teacher, all the while never making excuses for my difference. To this day whenever I see a three legged dog I go to it and share some love and affection. A serious life lesson was taught to me buy one of God's most beautiful creatures.


    So Ezzy take this for what it is worth. Your attitude will decide if you ride again. Never give up. Deal with what life gives you.

  • July 9, 2010 12:18 AM PDT
    You're so right James... Hollywood ROCKS!!!!!! Superman is a whuss....
    • 602 posts
    July 9, 2010 8:36 AM PDT
    Keep the head up , ring know I'll be there

      Da fhada an baisteach, tagann an ghriann, mo chara.
    • 1781 posts
    July 9, 2010 9:05 AM PDT
    Ezzy hope maybe you might be feeling a bit better today. Remember lean on the family, that's what were here for.
    • 1067 posts
    July 9, 2010 9:31 AM PDT
    Well Ezzy, I could go on for a long time telling you about this and that, and something else, because I have been through it. I think my "Brothers" Defcon, and Rex have handled the emotional part of it very, very well. I will deal with the physical aspects of your situation. First off, If you possibly can. Go somewhere else, and get a second opinion. There is a reason your leg is not healing. The medical staff that has been taking care of you is not getting to the heart of the problem. These are my own feelings of this Ezzy. All of us folks are pulling for you my Brother. The others have given you some good heartfelt advise on the mental and emotional end of this. I also have to add the worst case scenario. Your leg may not heal, it may get worse! But let me tell you one thing. If, and I say if, they have to remove your leg," LIFE IS NOT OVER." Please believe this. I have been through a lot, but I keep on going every day. My leg is off above the knee Ezzy, but like Defcon said I still throw that leg over the seat of my Harley, and ride. And the main thing man, is keep the faith in the Lord above. I'm sorry I was rather blunt in this post my Brother, but it's something that could happen, you should at least know that. Send me a message any time Ezzy.
    • 568 posts
    July 9, 2010 9:40 AM PDT
    thank yis all fer the responses, some really inspiring, some really warming, got a little misty there once or deuce... ye REALLY are a wonderful bunch!

    today the consultant appeared, and had the antibiotic cocktail changed, i am BELIEVING all is going ta get fixed.

    and yeah brother Dragon, today feels a lil' better, also 'cuz i went AWOL fer a few hours, ta sort some businness at the house + had a feast of coffee (the one they give out in here tastes like bogwater and bird piss!)

    i'll stay in touch fer updates and venting betimes...

    tanx again all

    ezzy 'bones'
    • 1067 posts
    July 9, 2010 9:41 AM PDT
    nightdragon wrote...
    Ezzy hope maybe you might be feeling a bit better today. Remember lean on the family, that's what were here for.

    I'm with the Dragon on this  Ezzy.

    • 568 posts
    July 9, 2010 9:56 AM PDT
    Hollywood (i'm a slow typer), i believe ye're already an inspiration for me, if only by reading the others' comments on the wake of Bowling Green (i've been stalking, rite Buffy?! LOL)

    i doubt if i can afford a second opinion, i'm on kind of social security and if i'll get any compo is still debatable and a long time in the future...

    ... but i've been speaking my mind a bit ta the doctors, and since there's no end ta this in sight for now, i've been so bold as te ask if it's not better ta cut the lower leg and let me get along with my life...
    i hope this doesn't sound blasphemous ta ya, on the other hand i know well enuff that i should be grateful ta be able ta wriggle me own toes since day one (no nerve damage, etc.)

    thanx fer support and i will stay in touch.
    ride hard and stay safe.
    ezzy 'bones'
    • 1781 posts
    July 10, 2010 3:22 AM PDT
    EZZY just want to add one more little bit on Hollywood. Dude I've never in 61 years seen anyone like Hollywood, and yes he is someone to look up to. Not one time, NOT ONE TIME did I see Hollywood apear to feel sorry for himself, and not one time did I see anyone else apear to feel sorry for Hollywood. His attitude about life was so up-lifting it was like a breath of fresh air. When it was time to ride, he just kicked his leg over his iron horse just like the rest of us, and off we went. We never once worried about if Hollywood could keep up or anything like that, I mean we basically didn't give his leg a second throught. Hell we felt he was as normal as any of us, if I could say any of us were normal...LOL.
    Bro you WILL ride again, and with a new outlook on life, and more of a appreciation for what life can toss at ya.
    Stay focused, do what they tell you to do, and get your ass back on the scoot and ride like the wind.
    The CF Family
    • 517 posts
    July 10, 2010 3:22 AM PDT
    Ezzy brother, I will see you on Monday, I shall cheer you up, might even pull your leg a bit.....!!!!! LOL!
    • 1781 posts
    July 10, 2010 3:25 AM PDT
    Dyna wrote...
    Ezzy brother, I will see you on Monday, I shall cheer you up, might even pull your leg a bit.....!!!!! LOL!

    EZZY watch out for this one, and I hope you know something about drinking......because if you don't ....your about to learn...LOL
  • July 10, 2010 4:16 AM PDT
    Just "met" But wanted to let ya know I read this and hope things turn about for ya...hang in there... ;)
    • 568 posts
    July 10, 2010 6:11 AM PDT
    thanx Misty and Dragon again.
    Dragon, i had a few sessions wid Dyna alrite, and although i CAN'T drink THIS 'UN under the table, i believe, i still can tag along pretty well! ;-)
    • 1781 posts
    July 10, 2010 6:47 AM PDT
    ezzyrider wrote...
    thanx Misty and Dragon again.
    Dragon, i had a few sessions wid Dyna alrite, and although i CAN'T drink THIS 'UN under the table, i believe, i still can tag along pretty well! ;-)

    It's all are messing with a professional here