Motorcycle Forums » Biker/Motorcycle Humor & Jokes

Try this & get back to me

    • 6 posts
    January 14, 2011 1:09 AM PST
    Who knows, this might even be a true story

    ONLY  A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I  came across was a 100,000-volt,  pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat  to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home..
    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button  and pressed it against a metal surface at the  same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give  this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I  wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses  perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle  spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while  I'm looking at this little device measuring  about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to  myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie  looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
    HOLY  MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT  THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the  recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal  position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to  be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never  heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living  room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had  left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My  bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were  still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was  too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell  was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their  safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop  laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being  stupid!!!!
    • 5417 posts
    January 14, 2011 1:19 AM PST
    Great story, laughing my ass off... But it could have been a fluke that your finger stayed on the button like that, I think you should give it another try just to prove you can do it for just one second!!!


  • January 14, 2011 2:37 AM PST
    Great theme for my next party Self Tazering thanks bro that was damn funny I'm going to get one of those zappers!
    • Moderator
    • 16090 posts
    January 14, 2011 3:09 AM PST
    Here's Your Sign...
  • January 14, 2011 3:14 AM PST
    Believe me, I swear that I will take your word for it and I won't doubt you even a little bit!!! ROFLMAO!!
    • Moderator
    • 1362 posts
    January 14, 2011 3:24 AM PST
    I have watched enough "COPS" to know that it would be a good idea to try that, Besides I learned my lesson years ago with my electric training collar for my dogs... Only takes once.
    • Moderator
    • 1507 posts
    January 14, 2011 3:46 AM PST
    ROTFLMAO- That was a great story!!
  • January 14, 2011 4:26 AM PST
    I emailed this story to my friends with me in the first person. The women and my relatives all believed it was a true story. Gives one reason to ponder.
  • January 14, 2011 11:26 AM PST
    ROFLMAO Loved the story
  • January 15, 2011 12:18 AM PST
    If i ever got one of thse things for my wife it would be detrimental to my health
    • 1161 posts
    January 16, 2011 1:19 AM PST
    highrisk wrote...
    I have watched enough "COPS" to know that it would be a good idea to try that, Besides I learned my lesson years ago with my electric training collar for my dogs... Only takes once.





    And I sit there telling them to tazer any one.   hahaha
    • 1067 posts
    January 16, 2011 10:52 AM PST
    Hey Savage, was that tazer in Demo Mode.
  • February 16, 2011 11:48 AM PST
    ROTFLMAO........I am crying from laughing so hard=)
  • February 18, 2011 10:58 PM PST
    OMG! Laughing and Crying....My ribs hurt! Emailing this to everyone....
  • May 5, 2011 8:54 AM PDT
    holy shit...can't...stop...laughing! Dude, that was funny as all get out! I laughed so hard tears were streamin' down my face...bet not as bad as yours though!
    • 2963 posts
    May 5, 2011 4:37 PM PDT
    Great post !!! funny as heck !!! did something similiar with a portable fly zapper,its incredible how the unit steps up the voltage of a couple of aaa batterys,