Motorcycle Forums » Biker/Motorcycle Humor & Jokes

I can't let go!!!

  • February 16, 2012 4:31 AM PST
     


    We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.???????????????? ?????

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.???????????????????????? ??????????????????????

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.????? ????????????

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAMBAMBAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.??? ????????????????

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.????????? ??????

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!?????????????????

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.????? ????????????

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.?????????????????? ??????????????????????????

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.?????????????? ??????????????????

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.????? ???????????? There was a burned spot on the ground.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.??????????????? ???????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).???????????????????? ????????????????????

    3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.???????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????

    4- My left eye will not open.????????????????????? ???????????????????????

    5- My right eye will not close.???????????????????? ??????????????????????

    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or  something, because it was better than new after that.?????????????????????? ????????????????????????

    7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. I have had an erection for the last 30 days.????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????????

    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..???????????? ??????????????????

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.??????????????? ?????????????????

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I  can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
    • 395 posts
    February 16, 2012 4:42 AM PST
    i'm so sorry brother...but i laughed til i cried reading this........i can still remember my brothers daring each other to pee on the neighbors electric fence....they had just replaced the old one that cut out with a brand new one (something i forgot to mention to them during the conversation)....and the sight of my youngest brother being lifted off his feet and propelled backwards like he had been shot out of a cannon made me laugh til my sides hurt.....bet you won't ever do that again right?..on a good note though, now we all know how to straighten out an old lawnmower that needs a good "charge up"..hahahahahahahaha......
  • February 16, 2012 4:46 AM PST
    Black9 wrote...
     


    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..???????????? ??????????????????




    Does what you eat affect the kind of show that comes on? Like, steak and potatoes brings up action/adventure whereas strawberries results in a romantic comedy?

    Hilarious story...glad you are still here to tell us about it! I am thinking you are now probably good for another 5 years, or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.

    And to quote one of the McKenzie brothers..."If you had stuck to your maintenance plan, we wouldn't need to jump start you like this."



  • February 16, 2012 6:03 AM PST
    Heh, Black, I like your style and place in the visions created when reading your works. I too was born and raised in farm country, and can attest to much of what you have written.
    Great adventure, it sure put a humorous slant to my day!
  • February 16, 2012 6:23 AM PST
    Don't know Black....I see from the TV ads that you should seek immediate med attention if an erection last more than 4 hours. Can't help thinkin what 30 days is gonna do.....Great story tho!
  • February 16, 2012 9:09 AM PST
    My late uncle used to tell about the initiation into adolescence by peeing on the uninsulated spark plug wires of a running Model T. Quite a jolt, from the way he told it.
  • February 16, 2012 9:11 AM PST
    Let's see what on channel 4!
  • February 16, 2012 9:59 AM PST
    Black all so true it hurts!!!!!
  • February 16, 2012 10:02 AM PST
    Did a tune up on this beasty and found out what the extra high volt coil means
  • February 16, 2012 11:49 AM PST
    Thought I was crazy writing my mowing adventures I have now learned I am just a grasshopper!.....I was literally crying while reading this, had to stop halfway through! clear my vision then hold my sides while laughing hysterically!

    Thanks for sharing your creativity Black9!

    Heres my story and Im stickin to it!


    ok so while i mow, i think these thoughts...you know..i have a love/hate relationship with my mower oh so beautiful...i break it..Richard, my brother the bad a$$ mechanic fixes it! Needless to say he hides his face while working on it because after all its a POS lawnmower!.. I as i mow.. dont ya hate it when you go around the stupid trees and the branches get stuck in your hair? that person honked at me!!!! oh crap!! my row's crooked why do the tires do that? they go round and round then fall off from the vibration, I have to find the wingnut that fell off or replace it! ok ok cutting grass is like cutting hair(lol) lets give it a mohawk!!!cuz if we have a mohawk in the grass then we'll be different! grass is good... i like grass only when i dont have to mow....stupid weeds! why do they call them dandy-lions anyway? they sure dont look like lions and they're not dandy!! why do people honk at me?? i dont understand...do they like watching me mow or is my butt hangin out of my shorts....i gotta change the pattern today, back and forth, oh wait !! lets do a smiley face on the lawn wont that be cool?? oh,, only to the airplanes.(dang it!!) ok.. back to those stupid branches...no my lawn doesnt have a mohawk I DO! (stupid branches(no wonder they were honking) hey do squirrels chase people with lawn mowers because theyre mowing their nuts?? ya know the walnuts the kind they store for winter??? ok water break no i think im done today so until next time i mow, beware of squirrels with mohawks pushing lawn mowers gathering their nuts and have a nice day!


  • February 16, 2012 1:06 PM PST
    LOL I like that, hey you got yourself a nice doo out of it anyway and no squirrel is entitled to the nuts as long as you hold the deed to said patch of ground that you are in fact mowing!
    • 1161 posts
    February 16, 2012 2:01 PM PST
     HAHAHA!!!!  I had to read this again and see if I posted anything or not.   That is funny as hell! 
  • February 21, 2012 10:36 AM PST
    It took me forever to read this, between the deep belly laughs, tears and fogged glasses.
    Black9, you made my day with this one.
    I will probably break out into a laugh in some important meeting or something like that.
    It will be all your fault Black9. Thanks I needed this today.
  • February 21, 2012 11:14 AM PST
    Bawhahahaha, oh man some days we step in it some days we are it. Now, I hope you don't continue to use this as an excuse not to mow the lawn again........LOL! I know the ex would have tried that. I hope you feel better soon. there's nothing worth watching on tv any way so well salute away! YAY! "T"
    • 7 posts
    February 21, 2012 11:51 PM PST
    I started out thinkin' this was a joke, so I was just enjoyin' the read. Then I realized this might be the real deal, and so help me, and God forgive me, I kept laughin'! I know at the time, you didn't see the humor in any of it. But I'm so glad you CAN look back on it, and see where others' would get a "kick" out of it. SHEIT, man, just picturin' the steppin' & fetchin' goin' on is a riot. And it's ALWAYS funny when it's happenin' to someone else...
    Glad yer ok. And I'm thinkin' the lower unit problem, also had it's own rewards, eh?

    Ride Free
    Tweek
  • February 22, 2012 1:10 AM PST
    it's like a good friend friend when you fall on your ass... they always ask "Are you ok?" and when you affirm that you are in fact ok that when they laugh their asses off and damn near fall over helping you up! Funny at the time, NO! But analyzing it and playing it over in your mind a few times, yeah it's damn funny!
    Shit, piss and vomit... truly aren't as bad as one might think and even all at once I think it's more like censory overload!
    • 7 posts
    February 22, 2012 5:16 AM PST
    Black9 wrote...
    it's like a good friend friend when you fall on your ass... they always ask "Are you ok?" and when you affirm that you are in fact ok that when they laugh their asses off and damn near fall over helping you up! Funny at the time, NO! But analyzing it and playing it over in your mind a few times, yeah it's damn funny!
    Shit, piss and vomit... truly aren't as bad as one might think and even all at once I think it's more like censory overload!

    I was actually referring to the "30 day" issue...

  • February 22, 2012 5:29 AM PST

    All the above said what I was thinking and thinking of saying about laughing etc.....

    So I will just add.....


    GOOD STUFF!!!

    • 0 posts
    February 22, 2012 7:13 AM PST
    A FEW YEARS BACK I GOT A JOB ON THE COUNCIL OPERATING THEIR MOWER..I THOUGHT AWESOME THIS IS GONNA BE FUN MOWING PARKS AND STUFF OUT IN NATURE//BORING AS BAT SHIT IS HOW IT TURNED OUT ACTUALLY..THERE WAS A LARGE COMMON ABOUT 4 ACRES IN ONE TOWN THAT WAS USED FOR HOLDING THE WEEKEND JUNK MARKETS AND IT HAD TO BE MOWED BEFORE EACH MARKET AT THE END OF THE MONTH...I HATED MOWING THIS THING AS IT WAS FLAT RECTANGULAR AND THICK LUSH GRASS SO I HAD TO GO SLOW OR WRECK THE MOWER..WELL AS MOST OF YOU KNOW IM QUITE A CREATIVE LAD.. I DECIDED TO SEND A MESSAGE TO THE WORLD AND MOWED IT IN 20 FOOT HIGH 6 FOOT WIDE LETTERS.. THOSE WHO HAVE MET ME KNOW THAT I AM AN ELOQUENTLY SPOKEN BLOKE AND ONLY PUNCTUATE WITH F$CK WHEN I AM SPEAKING..THE MESSAGE WENT ALONG THE LINES OF "GO GET F%CKED YOU F%CKING F%CKERS". NOT REALLY VISIBLE FROM GROUND LEVEL BUT I TOOK GREAT JOY IN MY CREATIVITY ..WELL A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER I GOT CALLED INTO THE FOREMANS OFFICEAND TOLD IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS TO GET MY ARSE BACK DOWN THERE AND MOW THAT F$CKING MESSAGE OUT OF THE COMMON..SEEMS THE BLOKES AT THE LOCAL AERODROME,JUST DOWN THE ROAD ALSO SAW MY CREATIVITY AND DIDNT APPRECIATE MY CREATIVITY AND FINE USE OF AUSSIE LANGUAGE..SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE AND SHOWED MY BOSS... THAT WAS WRITTEN WARNING NUMBER TWO IN MY SHORT LIVED CAREER AS A PARKS AND GARDENS MAINTENANCE OFFICER .. CHEERS BOOF
    • 1855 posts
    February 22, 2012 7:39 AM PST
    Love your story man.

    Peace
  • February 22, 2012 8:08 AM PST
    Tweek wrote...
    Black9 wrote...
    it's like a good friend friend when you fall on your ass... they always ask "Are you ok?" and when you affirm that you are in fact ok that when they laugh their asses off and damn near fall over helping you up! Funny at the time, NO! But analyzing it and playing it over in your mind a few times, yeah it's damn funny!
    Shit, piss and vomit... truly aren't as bad as one might think and even all at once I think it's more like censory overload!

    I was actually referring to the "30 day" issue...

    I just chose to ignore that! LOL
    • 611 posts
    February 23, 2012 9:32 AM PST
    Oh Black9... Wuz sittin inna bar when I read ur story. Laffin so hard everbody wanted to know 'Whats so damn funny Edge?' Soooo, I read it to them.... Had to stop several times because of the laughter.
    I was raised in rural Texas, so this story brought back many memories. I think the funniest was when I went to step thru an elec fence for cows. Much stronger! As I approached the fence (with great respect) I stepped thru w/left leg, paused and then swung my torso thru the gap. I touched the top of my head on the top wire. The jolt made me duck down, hit my chest and raised up and hit my head (again) then my inner thigh hit the bottom, and I kinda pinballed several times till I fell backward, still in the pasture! When I was able to stand again (several minutes) I walked to the gate and got hit again as I was opening it... My friends were laying on the ground laffing {bastards) and I resolved to NEVER try to step thru that fence.
  • February 23, 2012 9:42 AM PST
    Nothing like having a good laugh.....at the expense of a good friend.....LOL LOL
    • 59 posts
    February 23, 2012 12:03 PM PST
    The funniest thing is.... I can actually see every single one of these stories happening...
  • February 24, 2012 12:20 PM PST
    Many times at Rallies on farm fields I have heard screams in the night when someone has crawled out of the tent and stood by the hedge or wall or field fence and decided to have a quick whizz ..... and then in the middle of the night all you can hear is the laughing from other tents by the folks that knew it was there!!!

    B****RDS GOT ME TWICE!!!!!