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I should be happy...

  • Life's good, right?  I mean, I wake up every day, I haven't heard anything bad from any doctor, my son's fixin' to graduate from college, I got a roof over my head, food to eat, and a vehicle to drive.  And I got my stinkin' money from the "powers that be".  I should be ecstatic, shouldn't I?  Then why is it, that I find little to no joy in anything?  That my mood seems to darken more and more, with each passing hour.  WTF? 

    I pray, and ask God to lift me out of this, what can only be described as "depression".  And I can feel fleeting moments of happiness, like when I found out I was gettin' my refund, but it never lasts.  And soon, I feel down again.  And I mope around, feeling sorry for myself, til I can't stand myself any longer, and just go to bed.  I know what the catalyst to all of this was, and I knew it would take a minute to get over, but shit, I didn't have a clue, it was goin' to take me this far down this road.  And it's not fair, none of it.  I didn't cause this, and I'm damn sure, it would've happened sooner or later anyway.  But you'd think, even knowin' that, that I couldn't WILL myself, better!?!  

    WTF has such a hold on me?  Him?  WHY???  He doesn't deserve a second thought.  He hurt me, badly, and yet, I still love him.  I can't switch it off.  I've tried.  How the hell do I just stop?  

    Ridin' would help.  Gettin laid, wouldn't, for a vast number of reasons. I'm not the same person anymore.  Maybe that's my problem.  Maybe I'm mourning for the person who was really tossed.  

Comments

11 comments
  • blurplebuzz
    blurplebuzz Tweek
    Hang in there.Your life is as depressing as you concieve it,take it from someone who has struggled thru a long series of depressing events. You can and will overcome this feeling of disconnected space,once you decide to move in a new direction,away...  more
    June 15, 2012
  • Jonesy1340
    Jonesy1340 get ya self a new routine tweeky, you gotta work at it though...cause its too easy to fall back with the ol I'm too lazy today i 'll get back tomorrow..which of course we never do. Even if its something as little as polishin the value caps...or the bath...  more
    June 15, 2012
  • friendsallover
    friendsallover Hey, took me a year Tweek, But it will happen.I still feel the loneliness sometimes, but I'm gettin over it & you will too. I know where your coming from. Things will all fall into place. Take this time for YOU! The power of positive thinking helps...  more
    June 17, 2012
  • Edgewalker54
    Edgewalker54 Turn the nose of your canoe... downstream... Think what is is you want...
    Then, when it happens say "There it is!"
    Remember when Capt Jack Sparrow only had that lil sailing dingy? He was still the Captain... Right?
    You are the Captain of you life... yes?...  more
    June 27, 2012