An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The Balloonist
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
THE BOY AND THE FROG
A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineering major, I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."\\
An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The Sensitivity of the Technical Mind
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER...
1. If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
2. If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
3. If Dilbert is your soul mate
4. If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
5. If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
6. If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
7. If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
8. If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
9. If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
10. If you window shop at Radio Shack
11. If your ideal evening consists of watching the Discovery Channel looking for technical inaccuracies
12. If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
13. If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
14. If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
15. If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
16. If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
17. If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
18. If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
19. If you have never backed-up your hard drive
20. If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
21. If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
22. If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
23. If you see a good design and still have to change it
24. If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
25. If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
26. If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
27. If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
28. If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
29. If you have more toys than your kids
30. If you use a checklist to turn on everything
31. If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
32. If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
33. If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you shove up to the front to fix it
34. If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
35. If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
36. If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
37. If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
38. If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
39. If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
40. If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
41. If your checkbook always balances
42. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
43. If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
44. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
45. If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
46. If you know what http:// stands for (bonus points if you actually care)
47. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
48. If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
49. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
50. If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Jerky 4. And something else but you forget what
