Motorcycle Forums » Biker/Motorcycle Humor & Jokes

Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha

  • June 21, 2010 7:36 AM PDT
    this is for you ladies...

    Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha

     
    All hair removal methods have tricked women with

    their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,
    Nair and now...the wax. Read on......

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
    home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
    painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing
    kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the
    bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot
    wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
    peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
    the hair right off.

    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
    not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
    THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
    facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
    genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
    'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin
    around it tight and pull. It works!

    OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
    bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

    I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
    maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
    on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
    championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

    Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
    across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
    hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
    strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
    pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
    spinning and spotted.

    I think I may pass out.....must stay
    conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
    breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
    one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
    want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
    I hold up the strip!

    There's no hair on it.

    Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
    the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's
    not! I touch. I am touching wax.

    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
    body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
    BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
    need to do something. So I put my foot down.

    Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
    out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
    poop..

    My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

    Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
    hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
    bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
    *WRONG!!!!!!!*

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
    that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
    regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
    bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

    Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
    I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
    me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
    before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
    conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
    bottom of the tub!'
    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
    tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

    She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
    Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

    She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I
    give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
    box.
    YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to
    trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
    your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
    super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
    is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
    to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally
    see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
    some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
    the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

    IT WORKS!!

    It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
    friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
    then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
    IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
    could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
    • 126 posts
    June 21, 2010 1:27 PM PDT
    NOW that is funny!
    • 212 posts
    June 21, 2010 1:46 PM PDT
    LMAO!!!
  • June 21, 2010 3:23 PM PDT
    DAAYYUMM!!!!!!!!  OOOOOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHH!
  • June 21, 2010 8:21 PM PDT
    Having been in combat and surviving a career in law enforcement I have come in contact with wounded, some severely, and have never heard any of them describe their pain to the degree that you so amply explain. I have also had the opportunity to hear an owl screech in the heat of battle with another owl over some dinner. I bet they didn't even come close to your decible level. Glad you're okay. Ride often and ride safe...
  • June 22, 2010 3:18 PM PDT
    Got me a beard trimmer just for that area. No wax for me. LMAO!
  • g
    June 22, 2010 3:37 PM PDT
    too mutch to read ..........................................u no got the photos ??
    • 568 posts
    June 26, 2010 2:04 AM PDT
    BUMP
    ... for later! *eviLOL*
    • 2072 posts
    June 26, 2010 4:45 AM PDT
    Pictures Hell..... I want video !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • June 27, 2010 10:11 PM PDT
    i have pics...but...dont think i can post them.
  • June 27, 2010 11:49 PM PDT
    hehe makes my problems seems a lot smaller thanks for the cheer up
  • June 27, 2010 11:50 PM PDT
    as for the pics HELL YA