How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. - There is a clock on the stove
A woman had just given birth to her twelfth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"Joe"
"But you named the last eleven Joe"
"Yeah its great. I say Joe go clean the room, they all go clean their room.
I say Joe come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,
but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
A guy goes to his doctor and says
"Doc, ya gotta help me. Below my waist I’m turning orange!"
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look.
Damned if the guy isn't orange!
Doc tells the guy,
"This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
Guy says
"No, the boss was a real jerk, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I’m making almost as much being on unemployment."
So the doc thinks a little longer and says
"Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
Guy says,
"No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."
A woman asks a show judge why her dog always comes in second but never gets the blue ribbon. The judge explains that there is some hair on the dog's belly that shouldn't be there, otherwise it's a perfect specimen.
On the way home she stops at the pharmacy and goes to the hair removal aisle. Seeing a confused look on her face, the pharmacist asks if he can be of any help. She tells the guy that there are too many products and asks if he can recommend one.
He says "This one here is our best but it's pretty strong. You have to be careful. Where are you using it?"
"I'm putting it on my schnauzer" she explains.
"Oh, OK" he says. "Leave it on for just five minutes, rinse it off really good and then don't ride a bike for a week."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
TGIF !!!