Activity

• CCBiker: A Mother’s
  Love
  
  By Bonnie Henson ...  moreA Mother’s
  Love
  
  By Bonnie Henson
  
  People are always
  telling me how strong I am. Like it's a medal of valor or a badge that I've
  somehow earned...... Why? Because my son has cancer? That doesn't make me
  strong. Because given the choice I would choose to be a coward and have my son
  well. So what about that is strong.
  
  Well today I know the power behind that word and the value of it.
  
  I was sitting next to my son on his bed rubbing his legs trying to be somewhat
  comforting. He wasn't feeling well, and his breathing was a bit more labored
  than usual. So I asked him if he was okay and he said yeah but I am really
  tired. He was afraid if he went to sleep, he would not wake up. So much so that
  he wouldn't sleep, and he wore two monitors one on each hand. The monitors tell
  him his blood oxygen level and his heart rate. He could watch the monitors to
  make sure he was still okay.
  
  He asked me if I would watch his monitors while he slept so if his heart rate
  dropped, I could wake him up. He said he was feeling very panicky and anxious
  today. That broke my heart. Because panicky and anxious was just another way of
  saying... I'm scared of dying but I don't want you to worry. He said if I wake
  up scared just talk me through it for about 5 minutes or so okay? I cannot
  manage to fight the tears back, but I remain silent and focused on every word.
  He sets a pill down on the table and says that's my Ativan if it gets too bad,
  I will take it
  
  Afraid but still he does not want to tell me. I can't bear it anymore and I
  start to cry uncontrollably putting my head in his lap. Kelly puts his hands on
  my head and rubs my hair and my back and says Mom I'm sorry as if he had done
  something wrong.
  
  I thought to myself come on Bonnie stop it and pull yourself together for
  Kelly. But I could not find the strength to do anything but grab him Tighter
  and cry for another few minutes. That was two days ago and strength has not
  found me yet.
  
  Yesterday, January 7th 2017 at 5:07 a.m. Saturday morning my son died. My child
  my baby.... His lifeless body before me pale motionless a feeling of fear
  consumed me. I was afraid. I sat down next to him laid my head on his bed
  grabbed his hand and put it on my face with mine on top of his. I never thought
  I would have to go through this alone. The closest people to me, we're back
  home in California. Kylee Cody Connor Kadyn and Kerah.... My children. With no
  one to comfort I was without Direction. I did not know what to do. My children
  have always been my life and I was lost without them. I only wanted to live
  next to my son and leave this world with him.
  
  His heart was no longer beating so why was mine? He is no longer breathing so
  why am I? That's when I realized what strength was. I had to get up after
  losing my child and doing the unthinkable... Move on without him. I had to find
  my strength and go to my other children who just lost their brother and needed
  me.
  
  Being a biker myself I asked CC biker and Motorsports newspaper to put together
  a run for my son so that he can take his last ride with his mom and have a
  memorial to remember his strength.
  
   I love and miss you son more than words can say......love mom.  less

  January 9, 2020