She's your mama Brother Moose; just keep telling her that you love her...Hope it all woks out for ya brother.

Not the easiest thing in the world to do. You have a tremendous weight on your shoulders and a huge burden on your heart. Do you feel comfortable in talking honestly to her about how you feel and how her behavior makes you feel? I stand by this one...Guiltis taken, not given. 9 years back, I confronted my mother on Thanksgiving. I expressed to her that if she did not stop treating me the way that she does, that it would force me to make a decision as to whether I really wanted to be in her life. I love her alot. She is my Momma. Seems it's coming time for a heart to heart again. We had a good decade. Slowly and subtlely I could see that we were drifting back into old patterns over the past year or so.. She just had open heart surgery and I think fear can make people act poorly. Myself included!!! Parents get older and maybe they are just scared like stuff scares us. However, I don't give myself excuses and I don't let people sh** on me..well for too long anyway. I know our situations are different, however, feelings are universal. Bull, if you can, for YOU, be honest, talk about it, get it out there... JMO (the bad daughter) I'll keep you in my prayers that you find the way to your peace.

I agree w/ ingababy, you gotta tell her your at a point, but let her know you love her and it's been painful for you. May or may not have the effect you wish, but at last you both know where you stand. My 2 cents.

Both my Mom and Dad have passed on now and I helped take care of my Dad and took care of my Mom till she passed in my home...bedriddin. She started going downhill with a mild stroke and then had a series of stokes that followed. It is the hardest thing you will do except maybe your child. But remember that women that raised you is in there somewhere, she just can't comunicate to you like she once did. Like you said. "This is just the opposite of what she was " I hope you understand what I'm trying to say? The mind is an incredible thing, but sometimes it goes haywire. Just bare with her and remember the good times and that she most likely can't help the way she is acting. It's not easy. I'm sorry you have to go through what you are going through. Keep the faith and hang in there. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you and your family. With a name like "bullmouse" sounds like you'll be fine.

I went through the kinda same thing with my mom, she had cancer and at the end it was very hard. The doctor told me the person they feel most comfortable with is the person that they feel like they can say or do anything to without fear of them never leaving. I'm a nurse now and see that everyday, it's the ones by there side every day
that they say things to,because they love them so much they feel comfortable to do that. So in a way, she loves you so much, she knows she can depend on you no matter what! Hang in there,I wish I could asy it gets easier but it does'nt. One day though you will be happy with the time you had with her and will forget the negative stuff. Been there a couple of times.If you need a sounding board just pm me.

BullMoose,
I know exactly what you are going through. I have been a personal caregiver to elderly people in the last few years or months of their lives since 1996. There are many things that can be contributing to your Mom's behavior. Depression is huge among the elderly, with them loosing everyone that was close to them of THEIR generation. Children are wonderful, but it is not the same as having your peers to interact with. Also the loss of ability to do things for themselves, that they now have to depend on you to do for them, simple every day things that we take for granted. The fear of facing our own mortalitiy, so hard to talk about, but it needs to be discussed. Thenthere are the medical reasons she may be experiencing to contribute to here behavior. Has her doctor had her see a nurologist? She's having strokes which effect the brain, Parkinson's is not uncommon with elderly, no less dementia caused by many factors, not just Alzhimer's.
I would ask to try an anit-depressant. There are many out there that may help.
And, ask your sister to help or/and hire a personal care giver to releave you of the burdon of having to shoulder all the responsibility. They are easy to find and will be a big relief. If your Mom resisits you may have to put your foot down and tell her this is the way it is or she will have to go to a nursing home whether she wants to or not. It is hard to be firm with our parents, but sometimes there is no other recourse.
Besides taking care of other peoples elderly parents, I also took care of my Mom until she passed away. Neither of my sisters helped me and when I asked for a weekend to go somewhere, my one sister told me " you got what you asked for and I have plans to go dancing!" The other one is incapable. Thank goodness for my cousin that loved my Mom and she would come up from Long Island 1 weekend a month. I also hired a woman to help 1 day a week. I also have a developmentally challenged brother that is here with me. Neither of my sisters participate other than to tell me what I should be doing or what is wrong with me.
You are a good man to take on tis responsibility and it is NOT an easy task. There is help out there for you though. Good luck and remember to do for yourself also, its easy to get lost.

Both my folks are gone now and it's some of the most difficult things you'll do in a lifetime. Try and remember that it's not you,,,, they are frustrated and angry with what life has dealt them and the guilt of it being "your" problem to help them cope.
It's alot like a child that acts out and is unable to tell you why. I hope this helps, Bullmoose, and there are centers for your mother that may be able to help more than you can.
Everyone says they will never do that to a parent but,,,,, it be the thing that releives some of her tension and anxiety over changing "your" life so much.

And let's not forget to tip a hat to those of you who flip the script and raise the next generation!
Thanks Grampa!

I, too, took care of my father until he passed and I also have (had) a down's sister, took care of her too till she passed this Easter. I was the only child of my father's that offered to help him and the more I helped the more he hated me. My brother--who was never around--was the golden child. I wrote it up to his resentment of needing me and the fact that my brother treated him like nothing had changed. It hurt, but after I had a chance to think about it--I realized it was not me, just his resentment of needing someone. You know the old saying that you always hurt the ones you love? Fits perfect. FInd a support group. There are more of us out there than you know. It will help you deal with what you can't change. Good luck and God bless you brother--my thoughts are with you!

Aren't families just the strangest thing.
Bullmoose, have been where you have been and don't envy you at all....all I can say is you can do your best and when it is all over you can at least look in the mirror knowing you did the right thing. I have members of my family that I have not talked to for the last twenty two years for very similar circumstances. Trust me when I say being able to know you have been the decent human being.
The very best of luck man!

Best of luck Bullmoose, I was where you are for the last 2 years and it ain't easy, but now its over I can look in the mirror and say I made a difference to someones life. Tell ya what helped me, and you may laugh...a punch-bag. Every time I got stressed out I just beat the living shyte out of it, it was my release valve, my imagination made that bag my dad for as long as I needed it, when i finished hateing, i went back to caring. Give my best wishes to your Mam and brother.

In answer to your question... No you don't have to like them to love them.

My mother in law had dementia real bad but was in very good health. My wife and I went through hell for 5 years before she just gave up and died because she wished too. She was kicked out of 6 homes because of fighting and causing problems. She accused us of stealing all her stuff, of trying to poison her, of beating her and everthing else you could think of. All we could do was cope as best as possible and hang on. It was real bad for my wife to see her mother go this way.

Just remember that you have to take care of yourself first! If you are not well, and that includes mentally, you are no use to her. Take care of yourself and hang on for the ride.

completely understand, the same thing happened with my grandmother, what i realized in it, is how frustrating it must be when you get to the age when your body is no longer true to you and your mind, has a mind of its own. She is your Mama though, and there was years she wiped your butt and probally cleaned up alot of puke, when you werent even at a age to think to say thank you. unfortunately, the closest gets the mostest, so as her caretaker you get the brunt of her frustration. Can you imagine how it must feel to be failing and no longer be able to do for self or to be able to go when you want to. Definitely believe there are more challenges when its a male taking care of there mother...but there will come a day my friend when she is no longer there, so i can only encourage you in your own frustration, to try and be the bigger person and rememeber the loving mother she once was. As hard as it is, just let the unkindness roll off your back, and try to understand the helplessness she probally feels. We all may be in that place one day..Good luck to you my friend and i hope things get better for you.

This is a hard time for both the one that is now in there GOLDEN YEARS .. and the one that steps up to the plate to help them ....I have been going from my home in Virginia to Florida every couple of months to help with my Mom.. she is is a private home with only 4 total ladies there..have benn doing this for several years now..... this was very hard to deal with at first... my Mother being a very nice lady her whole life... now was showing signs of being mean and hateful to people around her........first thing i needed to do was... get all the medical work done...one of the test done was with a Nero Surgen.. he had a consult and testing done ...to see how her memory was along with other things....he also explained to me that is was not uncommon for people to change as they got older from what they use to be like ..... .like my mom did from a quiet person to becoming a bit of a pest.....BUT SHE IS STILL MY MOM....and this goes the other way .. the pain in the butt person all there life .. ,, has been know to become a very quiet caring person........now he also filed the forms that she was unable to decide what care she would need or what so would be able to do.... that itselfed helped me to make sure she got the care needed that she would forget about ..and help with her banking that she was getting confused over... this was very hard for her to understand being she was the old fashin bookkeeper from the late 30's till the late 90's.......... having been very active with the staff were mom is and getting to know all of the other ladies that have been there over the years .. ....what the doctor had told me about the people changing .... seems to run pretty true... ...
when i go there .. i will watch and listen for the first few hours to she whats she is doin.. then go over any nurses notes.. ..then have a sit down with mom or have lunch there.... and yup.. I am the only one that vist... so i am the one that gets blamed for all the things goin wrong [ in her eyes].... from swollen feet.. [ my fault casue if i was ther more offen i would be able to take her for walks and go shopping... and the swelling would go away] [ she is unable to walk more than 50 ft].....i am also at fault for her headaches... [as she says she worries about when i am coming ]... she will repeat things complain about things..... but she is still mom..........HANG in there BULL.. you are doing what so many other will never do....so many sit on the side lines and wait to see what is in the will and just don't care........otheres are scared of taking on the task of helping the folks as they get older.... they forget that those people stayed up with them all night when we were sick .. wiped are nasty noses and azzs... and rasied us the best way they new how to ...for some it may have been a mess but they tryed........
This lady that I call my Mom adopted me at 6 months old...and that will get comments from people that know this...in a neg way..... sorry THIS IS MY MOM.... what will i do for her.. everything.. i can do....is she po'ed at me when i go there sometimes...will she forget my name ... yup sometimes....will she repeat herself 10 times in the course of 30 min's some times........BULL you are with her every day you are the target for all the stuff in her mind......yet you remain there to help her casue she is YOUR MOM.......any time you need a ear to burn .. just shout out ...

Getting old is a bitch.

My mother died hard, sadly & silently - Took a lot out of me - Still rips me up - Wish she had snapped at somebody.

The old-man always was a p'ck - Gave me & everybody else a hard time about everything but he was a good old man for us & we just saddled up & did our duty to the end. What got us thru it was that my sisters & I found humor in his predictability. We would write the scenes out beforehand & compare notes & how closely he adhered to the scripts.
We also enjoyed assuring that whenever possible his care givers were religious ladies of the minority persuasion, pity we could not find any Republican, religious, minority, care givers. That sure would have stoked his fires.

There has to be a joke in there someplace & somebody you can share it with.

I'll pray for you and your mother BullMoose, since I dont have any advice. Good Luck my friend!