- Outrageous Jokes for Outrageous People (General - Biker and Motorcycle Humor and Jokes)

Topics: 128 Posts: 1085

99Savage wrote 5 months ago, Modified 5 months ago

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. - There is a clock on the stove

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A woman had just given birth to her twelfth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Joe"

"But you named the last eleven Joe"

"Yeah its great. I say Joe go clean the room, they all go clean their room.
I say Joe come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

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The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones,
but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

**************************************************************

A guy goes to his doctor and says

"Doc, ya gotta help me. Below my waist I’m turning orange!"

Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look.

Damned if the guy isn't orange!

Doc tells the guy,

"This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago.

The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

Guy says

"No, the boss was a real jerk, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I’m making almost as much being on unemployment."

So the doc thinks a little longer and says

"Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

Guy says,

"No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."

**************************************************************

A woman asks a show judge why her dog always comes in second but never gets the blue ribbon. The judge explains that there is some hair on the dog's belly that shouldn't be there, otherwise it's a perfect specimen.
On the way home she stops at the pharmacy and goes to the hair removal aisle. Seeing a confused look on her face, the pharmacist asks if he can be of any help. She tells the guy that there are too many products and asks if he can recommend one.
He says "This one here is our best but it's pretty strong. You have to be careful. Where are you using it?"
"I'm putting it on my schnauzer" she explains.
"Oh, OK" he says. "Leave it on for just five minutes, rinse it off really good and then don't ride a bike for a week."

****************************************************************

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

blurplebuzz

Topics: 15 Posts: 801

blurplebuzz wrote 5 months ago

LOL needed some laughs today ;) TGIF !!!

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I aint here for a long time, I'm here for a good time

Edgewalker54

Topics: 68 Posts: 249

Edgewalker54 wrote 5 months ago

oh savage, some of these are really bad! but i gotta say, some of em are pretty funny. "Pull her up again tonite?" ohman,thas just wrong. guess Ima sik bstard, I still laffed...
Edge

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99Savage

Topics: 128 Posts: 1085

99Savage wrote 5 months ago

Sven and Olie were walking down a street and came across a priest with his arm in a sling.
"What happened to you, eh, father" Sven asks.
The priest replies "I slipped in the bath and broke my arm".
After the priest leaves Olie asks Sven "What's a bath?"
Sven says "How should I know? I'm not catholic."
**************************************************
Sven goes into a confessional and says "Father, last night I picked up a girl in the bowling alley. We went out for drinks and then I took her back to my place. We had the most wild sex I've ever had all night long."
The Priest says "For you penance I want you to say three "Our Fathers" and three "Hail Marys."
Sven replies "But father, I'm not catholic."
The priest asks "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Sven says "Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

PublicFrienemy

Topics: 0 Posts: 2

PublicFrienemy wrote 5 months ago

Laughing!!!

99Savage

Topics: 128 Posts: 1085

99Savage wrote 5 months ago, Modified 5 months ago

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
Mommy , the little girl asks, how old are you?
Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, the mother replied.
It's not polite.

OK', the little girl says,
How much do you weigh?
Now really, the mother says,
those are personal questions and are really none of your business.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?
That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

My Mom won't tell me anything about her, the little girl says to her friend.
Well, says the friend,
all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
I know how old you are. You are 32.
The mother is surprised and asks,
How did you find that out?

I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
How in Heaven's name did you find that out?

And, the little girl says triumphantly,
I know why you and daddy got a divorce.
Oh really? the mother asks. Why?

Because you got an F in sex.