Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws.  Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet?  I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.  Discretion is me middle name.  Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.  Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell the worthless S.O.B. to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him' says Gallagher.

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.  His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself.  Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk, 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to Hunt moose.  They managed to bag six moose.   As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could only take off with four moose. The two lads objected strongly.  "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us take all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.  However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.  After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"  Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. 
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", You hit her with the shovel.'
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

shit man .........................u want me to read all that ??

G......... Dude, have somebody read it for you !!!!!!!

im home alone ,for one night only ,

and shit , the rabbit read's worse than me .

nice!!!! thank you!

well, I read it all and laffed... My GFriend laffed.... Life is good!
Edge

cool..??

Its more fun to read them out loud to the wife and use your Irish accent.

Excellent! :oD G you don't know what your missing lol

Here's a quick un:

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk

I'm reminded that every time I meet up with my four County Cork cousins, I always find the fifth.